⚠️ Content Warnings ⤴
Info
I wish I could be what I once was.
Content Warnings:
Explicit mentions of suicide, mental health, and self-harm.
Written by Super-Robot14.
Written for the Classic Writing Blitz. I technically stayed within the rules, where I do have clinical leading the page. Ian's part is a video recording, and the other quotes (besides the Daniel Thrasher one) are user testimonials. I thought this was an interesting concept, and here it focuses mostly on worldbuilding. Hopefully those deadlinks will soon un-deadlink-ify.
Humanity is at stake, our peers are lost and soon it'll only be us. One by one we are lost, not in space, or time, but our humanity. What even makes us human?
And why do we lose it?
(An An Anthology Page)
All An Anthology Pages:
| Page Type | Page Title | Page Teaser |
|---|---|---|
| Level | The Attic of Memories | How could we possibly be safe, when we rely so much on our memories? How can we live when we know nothing? |
| Object | Liquid Pain | Does everything really need an explanation? Was Alan Baker's death even a coincidence at all? |
| Tale | A Letter to my Past Self | I know this is hard, you are me, I am you, I know all the challenges you've faced just as I have too. |
| Object | Object 54 | . . . |
| Level | Symbolic Angels | Walk my length. Feel my air. Digest my moonlight sonata. |
| Tale (song) | Fingers to the Fire | Your team has failed to stabilize a paradox; the consequences await. |
"Your todays will become yesterdays, and your tomorrows become todays … One day you will look back on all of your yesterdays and realize that you were too concerned with the future to make the most of the present."
- Daniel Thrasher
The Internal Support Program (I.S.P.) of the M.E.G. was founded by multiple M.E.G. members after the deaths of associate employees, friends, and family due to suicide. The goal of the I.S.P. is to improve employee mental health and prevent any unfortunate incidents from occurring. Spearheading the efforts was the usage of Object 76.
In the most severe cases, where an employee is suffering from severe long-term memory loss or they are contemplating suicide, Object 76 is used.
Dr. Ian Kettler collapses to the ground and drops a notebook. Ian's hands shakily grasp at his mouth that's gaping wide open. Tears steadily stream down his face.
"C'mon. You can do better than that." A young, pre-pubescent boy stands a few paces away, looking down at Ian.
"You…" Ian's voice is shaking, filled with spite. The boy scoffs in response as Ian steadily gets to his feet. Ian reaches out to the boy. "Who are you?"
"You."
Common adverse side effects of the usage of Object 76 are as follows:
- Severe anxiety.
- Deep uneasiness.
- Severe regrets.
- The uncontrollable recollection of past traumatic events.
- The inability to control one's own body from emotional responses.
Despite these adverse side effects, the benefits from using Object 76 are invaluable.
"It's like I saw my life flash before my eyes, only slower. Every excruciating detail circled into the present as I looked at my past self. It's a kind of pain I've never experienced before. It easily saved my life, 'cause… it's hard living. Especially after losing him."
- Louise Brand
A photo of Object 76 kept by the I.S.P.
Object 76 is a small, lavender notebook. Although only one was found and recovered by the I.S.P., it is reasonably assumed that wanderers may have previously found them and died under the effects. Once the user opens Object 76 and begins reading the contents, a physical manifestation of the user's past self appears. The age of this manifestation correlates with the time of the user's most fond or traumatic memories.
After the user notices the manifestation, a conversation arises.
"Mother wouldn't be proud." The boy says to Ian.
"I'm doing…" Ian's voice is shaking, harsh, "Everything in my power to atone."
The boy paces towards Ian. "Who do you think you are?"
Ian jolts back. As he slowly backs up, the boy follows. "I am a doctor - I save lives."
"We both know very well that that's not true."
"Get away from me," Ian is hyperventilating. The boy does not move. Ian raises his voice, "Get the fuck away from me!"
The boy complies and walks to sit down on a chair in the room. Ian convulses uncontrollably in the corner. "Ha, you can't escape from it, you know."
Ian is crying.
"First Mother dies."
"Then your colleague."
"Then your friend."
. . .
"Can you really say that you save lives?"
When an employee is assigned by the I.S.P. to use Object 76, they are locked in an otherwise empty room with two chairs. Only after the manifestation leaves should the room be unlocked. After certain privacy concerns, video recordings have been permanently halted; however, the recordings have not been deleted.
"When I saw my face, all I could think of was him. And then her. Regrets… hurt, y'know? We can linger on it all we want; I know I can… But Elara wouldn't want that. In the grand scheme of things, we are just a smidge of char. Everything we do just amounts to only a mark in the sea of contours. And all these things I wish I did… well, they don't really matter now, do they?"
- Kiran Thornfield
The reason Object 76 is used is due to its positive effects. To ease worries, it can be thought of as such: getting a flu shot hurts for a mere moment, and you may be sore for some time, but in the end, it helps you. Object 76 works in the same way. On record, there have been zero accounts of users of Object 76 committing suicide or partaking in self-harm after it was used. Life satisfaction and happiness notably increase, and the severity of depression decreases.
Ian grasps and rips at his chest as he continues to convulse. "What do you want?" He gasps.
The boy responds, "You know exactly as well as me."
"Fuck me."
"When did we learn to swear like that?"
. . .
The boy gets up and squats next to Ian. The boy pats Ian on the back. "I can't believe this is what I turn into."
Ian continues crying. Eventually, he whispers, "I tried to save them. I did everything I could."
"Once, you were too young." The boy starts.
"Then, you were too late." He continues.
"But I knew," Ian confesses, "that last time."
"What could you have done?"
. . .
If you or someone you know is currently contemplating suicide, get in contact with the I.S.P. Every base of the M.E.G. and all of its divisions and subdivisions should have at least one I.S.P. representative, as now mandated by the Safety Team.
You matter; your efforts, struggles, and hardships are not in vain. Stay with us.
"I wish I could turn back time and try again."
"But you can't."
"I wish I appreciated my time with Mother."
"But you did."
"I wish I could save lives."
"But you do."
"I wish I could be a better person."
"But you are."
"I wish I could be what I once was."