|
Info We all have this crossroad in our life. How did you experience it? Written by |
Hey, uhm. I found something that you might like.
Oh yeah?
What is it?
I… don't really know.
Dawn has broken onto the green, dew-filled fields of grass that stretch flatly as far as my eyes can see. I walk in flat field, and the sky turns from a crimson red, the mixture of the passion of the stars and the dreary night that quells the flames, to a soothing blue, with the stillness of the sea, and the yellow-white sun blazing down coolly onto my skin. Nothing is in the distance, only the soft grass that rubs against my legs, like hands whispering their knowledge, a caressing touch. The dew on such grass shimmers like quartz crystals, reflecting the beauty of the sky, that's cool to the touch.
But, there is an odd sight to see. A concrete road. It's warm to the touch, radiating safety as it shifts the wind, and as it pulls me towards it. The rough, dark-grey concrete, filled with cracks mended with thick tar, and rubble that's built up over decades, is painted with neon-yellow stripes, stuck on the road with care, yet it has been shifted ever-so-slightly over the years. On the edges, it's surrounded with the smooth, light sidewalk that has been walked on for decades, and cared for by many, shows the fatigue of its ever-lasting history of time immemorial. It's placed in slabs, adhered together by more concrete itself, but leaving the cracks just large enough to tell me it's there.
It lies endlessly long, and I continue the yearnful journey to the end of it. It does not come, the endless slabs of concrete continuing despite the length, surrounded by a blank-slate of nature. The monotonous day, glowed by the ever-lasting light of the sun, filled with walking, is broken up once again. Another change, a new fact, a crossroad. There are no streetlights to illuminate it as the sky grows to a deep black, sprinkled with the stars of old. There are no traffic lights to tell me when I can't go, and it's open to the vast uncertainty of the human race. I walk up to the curb, and as I see the last sprinkle of sunlight on the far horizon, I sit.
Remember the days, when we left our parents, to do what fun we must've had? Remember the old?
Ki, what are you talking about?
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't you miss how it was?
Y-yeah! Of course I do. Still though.
The curb is a rough surface, but it feels almost like a sponge in texture. It's not particularly uncomfortable, but that alone doesn't determine whether I decide to move or not. But I do shift in position, just a slight movement that makes the concrete slightly more comfortable. I stare deep into the distance, looking both at the rising horizon of light, and the concrete shrouded ever-so-slightly by the fields. My vision turns down, as my mind runs faster than my eyes, my vision looses focus to the picturesque memories. As I fall deeper into this trance, I get awoken by the cool breeze of the soft wind, sending shivers down my spine, the feeling of being watched.
I look up, and see a hooded man. They wear a cloak of great value, painted in an ever-shifting texture of a vibrant hue of blue nebulae as the background of it's own starry night. The man's face is shrouded in shadow, but their eyes burn contradicting with a passion of a cool but burning flame. Their cloak shrouds not only his upper body, but the lower portion as well, enough that I can't see any bare skin. The man is simply standing there, without looking, without moving, just being. "Who are you?" I ask, my voice is light like angels, as I haven't spoken with it in eternity. My voice is soothing to even me, as I haven't even heard it since time immemorial, and it's soft like a pillow that I'd like to be resting on.
"I am here to speak with you." The man says, without a voice, speaking in the colors of emotions. The imagery in my mind is blowing like the soft wind, a dance of fire and ice that brings words to feelings. I stand up, sore from sitting on the curb for what may have been weeks, but I didn't feel like I chose to do this, more like following a soft-spoken command that I was willing to listen to. I walk up to him, and stand by his side rather than face-to-face like enemies. I'm unsure of what to think but the words of colors of feelings that his presence produces a vague sense of safety, someone that isn't my enemy.
"Uhm. Yeah." I respond, softly, but with a sense of uncertainty.
Hello?
Ki?
…
"Follow me. Let's walk." The man says, and starts walking towards the distance. As I stay back for only a second, I see the sun shine from the horizon, leaving way to a crimson red dawn, shining a blending into a salmon orange and pinkish hue, vibrant like this moment. I continue with him. We start on the rough concrete of the street, meandering between lanes of the road, and simply breath in the cool air as it blows by, and recall the flat grassy fields that surround us. "I know. Trust me." They say, and the colors of these emotions shine bright in colors that I wouldn't be able to describe for decades to come. It's a comforting notion, he knows, and I am complacent with my wellbeing.
"Thank you. I…" Words fall out of my mouth like a river, and thoughts in my mind are recollected so fast that I can't determine what to say. We continue to walk along the road, without streetlights, the road is slowly getting brighter as the sky is changing from the salmon pink of beauty to the light blue of the ocean. "Yeah." I say with a sigh, like my fate is determined to be. By now, we've wandered into the fields, grass brushing against my legs showing the care of the man I walk with.
"You don't need to hide it." The colors turn to a bright white, the feelings of the want of truth. It's like the crystal-clear morning dew, brushing from the grass, to my legs and clothes. The man knows what I need to hear, and gives it to me, gently like a parent hushing their children to bed. "It's okay, Catherine. It will be alright." This comes as a surprise, an invoked state curiosity of his knowledge comes tome.
"H-how did you know my name?" I respond, questioning.
Why do I feel the ways I feel? What causes these emotions.
Hey! Are you alright? Where were you?
There are two truths, the past and the present. Which one do I choose?
PLEASE just respond to me. I'm getting tired of this Ki!
"T-that's not the name I go by." I say, displeased by the notion of who I no longer am. "I'm Ki." I add, as we wander back onto the road, slightly damp from the early morning dew. "And… What did you want to talk about?" I ask, as we come back the the crossroad, the same one that we started at, yet in a place that never could have been. We never turned around, only going on and off the road, yet here we are, back to the beginning. There is a sense of ease, like a loop that I'm not afraid to be in.
"What happened, Ki?" They say, as colors flash in my mind like a spiral deep down into the depths of hell, they run rampant and violently. "Where did the time pass?" Images flash in my mind now, not only colors but the depiction of the end of the universe and back. "Life, Ki. Life moves on just like time passes." Emotions erupt from the words and I can barely contain them.
"W-what do you mean?" I ask, my voice wavering like the ocean, still but not, moving but not. The sky is darkening from a light blue to a colorful black, revealing the starry distance of blazing dots. "Wait…"
"You understand now?" They ask, though the colors of the emotions tell me that they know.
"Yes."
"Then talk to me."
We know the days… We remember them longingly.
…
Will we ever be free?
"I…" I pause. "Why can't I stay in the past?" I whisper this in a song of emotions that I can't fully understand.
"You already know the answer to this." I don't know how to respond to this, and so we continue walking in silence. The deep black of the sky continues to get darker in a crimson black, as the stars twinkle above us. As we come back to the crossroad, the same one even though we must have walked miles without turning, we sit on the curb.
"I know." I say, sighing. "My mother, she was the one I cared for the most." Regret piles up in my throat like a clog in a drain. I try to continue, but my voice wavers as crystal clear tears fall down my cheeks "M-m-my Mother, sh- I nev-ver…"
The man puts his hand softly on my shoulder, one little comfort as I sob. "It's okay. We all know how it feels. We are with you." He whispers in my ear, and I start to calm, but the tears continue to stream down like a waterfall of sorrow.
"I n-never-r said-d goodbye." I sob, and I can't think straight, so I lean on the man, and my eyes close.
Forgive me for my sins.
Okay?
I am moving on…
…
As my consciousness fades from reality, it wakes up in the trace of a dream. I find myself standing in a place I regret to recognize. I feet audibly squelch in a damp carpet filled with the grease of millions of deaths, in a color of pale yellow stains. It's moldy with the stench of rotting fibers, and it's rugged not unlike the truth. And the walls, they have the irregular peeling wallpaper, with the same pattern repeating, as it's scratched and torn throughout the halls. It's yellow and underneath the torn bits is more monochromatic yellow. The air is still with an odd uncertainty of stale breath. The air is so still that the feelings of the air are nearly invisible, yet it gives the shivering sense of being watched. The ceiling is home to the office tiling with panels of a scratchy material, containing objects of many, but it's also the resting place of the fluorescent lights. These lights emit a flickering sound, like a scratchy record with no audio, as it also produces a hum so loud it could drive me insane, like a swarm of bugs at every corner of my vision.
My mind swells with colors of deep, bloody black, a reminder of how this all started, and how it could have ended. It's a spiral of emotions getting darker and darker down to the deep pits of hell like a blazing flame of endless despair of glory and…
As my mind flares like a star with these emotions, I arise from the stasis of sleep. I find myself on the endlessly blue void of a cloak, with stars of infinity swirling about. Night surrounds us like a blanket, a quiet whispering hush that blows in its breeze. It's as serene as an ocean, yet as powerful as the full moon. "How long has it been?" I ask, as I sit upright, but without my normally soft voice, this time a groggy mess, shrouded in a state of tiredness.
"Many days." They respond, plainly. I would be shocked at this fact, but it almost feels normal in this purgatory of time. They stand, I do to. "There are still many thoughts left untold."
I don't know how to feel.
Want to talk about it Ki?
Yeah, thanks.
That would help.
We walk in silence for a few moments as I wake fully. The sky goes from a deep black to a fire-y orange, burning with a passionate blaze that reflects the pinkish hues further into the darkness. I start veering off the road desolate, onto the soft grass with a kind touch. "Can I?" I ask, pointing at the grass, something I've wanted to do but I haven't had the chance to do.
"Yes. Yes, you can." They say kindly, and as soon as I hear that queue, I fall back-first into the long grass, and the Man follows. The grass is soft almost like a cushion, completely unlike the concrete that I've spent many of my nights. We lie in the grass together, gathering the morning dew with our clothes, and simply letting the cool air flow and soak up the serenity of the moment.
"Can I… ask who you are?" I say, a question that has been burning in my mind endlessly since I've first met him, and he avoided the question, a curiosity that has built up exponentially.
"I go by many names." They don't really answer the question, leaving an awkward silence but only for a moment. As soon as tensions start to build, he adds, "What do you want to call me?"
I think for a moment, this is a chance that I can't get back. As I ponder, I think back to my old life, my mother and father paint a clear picture, but that wouldn't feel right. They need to stay as who they are and not someone else. But I remember Williams, my older brother, I respected him just like he to I. The same feelings of comfort that I get from this man is the same feelings I've always gotten from Williams. "I… You remind me of my brother, so I want to call you 'William'."
"That's a good, and thoughtful choice." They respond, and add "I gratefully accept that name."
I know I said I would move on, I do. But it's hard. I mean… yeah.
I know, we always want to hang onto what memories we have.
Even though I don't know what lead me to my current situation, I wish I was prepared for it. What am I now to my parents? Missing? Dead?
I'm not sure, but I know they'll miss you.
"I came here…" I start, "Well not here, but you understand my point. I came here, and I didn't want to. That much is pretty obvious, nobody would want to come here, to be lost from family forever. I-I miss it… I miss it so much-ch." My eyes start watering as my voice starts wavering, I try to hold it back but I can't.
William, not my brother, but the man lying next to me, grabs gently onto my shoulder. "I understand, it's okay."
"I-it's hard to talk about… But, it's for the better," My voice lightens up, hopefully, "right?"
"Nothing will ever make this easy," Williams reassures, "So take all the time you need. Sharing how you feel is the first step to progress."
"T-thank you, Williams." I pause. "Let's pick up where I left off. M-my Mother." A rock hits the bottom of my stomach and I feel like I can continue, but I try, "I never, never said goodbye to her. I never did." Tears continue to stream down my face as my voice slides into a shaky mess. I sob, loudly, without the filter that I've been holding down for oh-so long. Like a dam that collapses under pressure, so do my emotions. I try to speak up, but it can only come as a whisper, "On that night… the night I disappeared. I-I-I was, out with my friends. S-snuck ou-t-t of t-the hous-se…" My throat burns a blazing dance of emotions that makes my vocal chords too sore to continue.
"I'll tell you a story. One about me, maybe it will help you. We've all gone through what you've gone through, you aren't alone." Williams says, in a voice of pure reassurance in the colors of safety.
"O-okay."
I, I have to move on, don't I?
What do you mean?
I don't want to be stuck in this purgatory of longing for the past.
Ki, I'm here for you.
"There once was a man. He was happy with his life, though it was monotonous, every day exactly the same. He thought that nothing would change and he was fine with that fact. But, all things good come to and end, don't they, Ki?"
"I know that much, yeah."
"Just like you, and everyone here, he fell into our purgatory. He was lost in our time, and every different place. He was getting older, and forgetting his past, yet never aging. Getting ripped apart, yet never dying. We know the story told of ages."
"But how does this connect to me?"
"It will all come together soon. He wandered our void, endlessly. He despised the present and longed for the past, just like you. And, he ended up here, on the crossroad. He sat, for days, and he thought about his past. Thought about his present, and even forgot his name. But can you guess what the important part was?"
"What?"
"He accepted the present, and let go of the past." William states this plainly in a matter-of-fact way, a strange truth.
"How?" I ask, both with the puzzlement of the present, and curiosity of the truth.
"It's… not as easy as that. Different for everyone, I might add." He responds. He adds, "But, tell me more, this is about you, after all."
I think…
Yeah?
I can finally, y'know…
…
"I-" I sigh, not knowing where to start, or more accurately continue. I drain my heart and soul into this next response, because I know for a fact that this is my last chance. The world isn't so nice, not as it was, at the very least. My heart wrenches with an unexplainable feeling of colors, and pure emotions. It's like my heart clots with blood curdled by memories of my past, and my throat that is filled with the tension of the present. I take a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Calm down. "We-no, I thought it would be a good idea… To sneak out to my friends house. At night." I sight once again, "As is all me decisions, this one was a mistake. On my way, walking in the shady night alleyways, I tripped on gravel." I choke on my own words, "And I never told my Mom I was going to leave. She- She never knew… I didn't think I'd leave her like that."
"I'm… I'm so sorry…" William says, with a hushed solemn voice of colors.
"And, I came here. More than that, I guess it's not a sob story." I pause to catch up with not my breath, but my emotions. To stabilize them before breaking down again. "But, I have these regrets, y'know?"
"Everyone has their own regrets."
"I… I think I can finally…" I don't know what to add.
"Move on?"
"Yeah, it's time." I say, with a finalizing tone. Dusk sets past the horizon, in a blazing notion of glory, yet it's shrouded by the darkness of the moonlight. But it's hasn't set for the first time, this has been the third cycle of dark night, to pinkish orange of dawn, to the light blue of day, to the blazing red of dusk, then back to night. Each word stretched out between hours and silence but yet it passes like a mere few seconds. The contradictory nature of it is like a paradox, each second taking ours, yet each hour taking seconds. As I think these thoughts I realize the fruitless endeavor that understanding would entail. It's no longer time to cower in the shadows of pointless memories.
"That's good." William sits up from lying, and gestures to follow. "Follow." He stands, and I hurriedly catch up, sore from many, many days of lying down. We walk from the soft grass with it's caressing touch, to the hard concrete emanating with warmth. We follow the road, with it's neon yellow stripes to the crossroad. Instead of being the same, completely empty without even streetlights to light the way, and traffic lights to keep the flow of traffic, instead, it has a door, floating in space. It's a wooden door, a dark brown with visible grains that line upwards, and with indents of hours of labor and craftsmanship. The door has a bronze handle that has the erosion of millions of touches, and as we walk up to it, the bright blue sky starts to darken. "You're ready."
The sun stands behind the door, endlessly in the horizon, but something odd happens, the moon starts casting shadows, and now the sun is no longer a ball of light, but a ring of red flames. The sky darkens to a halt, and time finally slows, the fiery of heat from the sun is only shown in a small ring with solar flares. A total eclipse, seemingly timed with perfection, maybe even planed, the giant ring of stardust and plasma lines up around the door, calling for me to enter. The door casts long, reddish-orange shadows, and I walk to the door. I grab onto it's knob, and as I twist it, I ask "That was you, wasn't it?" He nods, and I open the door, and walk through it.
I can finally be free.